Glitterati Gossip

Memo to Lauren and Heidi; You're Not Fierce

There is very little more wonderful than this backhanded semi-apology from Christian Siriano, the tiny bitchy pixie of "Project Runway" fame. Apparently Ferocia Coutura herself was a little bit... dismissive of Heidi and Lauren's clothing collections, and he took a moment with MTV to explain himself and almost, sort-of apologize. Never have the words "jersey tube dress" been uttered with such disdain.

If I had millions of dollars, I'd hire Christian. Partially to make my clothes, but mostly to hang out with me and make fun of everything he saw. Admit it, you'd do it too. Won't someone give him his own show or something?

Voms

Lauren Conrad sex tape. Ew. Ew. Ew. (Hollywood Tuna)

Lauren Conrad Is At Minute Fourteen

Lauren Conrad might or might not know it, but she's running out of time. The LA Times actually published an open letter saying she needs to get over herself, because everyone else already has.

You get fifteen minutes. Fourteen are up. Byeee!

DCMA Collective Opening

Neither Heidi nor Lauren appeared at the DCMA Collective retail shop opening, but Audrina Patridge did. She looked beautiful. It's as though someone had airbrushed her, but I'm pretty sure PRPhotos doesn't include airbrushing in its services.

But a pretty face doesn't make pretty clothes and it doesn't make a coherent retail strategy. Shoes, t-shirts, and records are all nice things and they all fit into the target market's lifestyle, but they have vastly different production mechanisms, profit margins, and and turnaround times, and I'm not convinced that the Madden brothers have the time and expertise to manage them. Adding a direct retail outlet not only introduces real estate and inventory headaches, it creates channel conflict: If you open a DCMA store next to a store that also sells DCMA goods, you're competing with yourself, and the store next door could very well stop stocking your products.

Seriously, Maddens, just stick to rock and partying and let the pros handle the merch, OK?

Heidi And Spencer Video Game? Does It Involve Power Pills?

Who wants to bet that pills are heavily involved in Montag and Pratt's recent press junkets? Hot Momma quotes a source saying "she looked out of it and stared at the ground while chewing on her gum..." I have to love Hot Momma for describing their relationship as "symbionic." That's a great word. I'll have to use it more often.

The couple is now working on developing a video game. Presumably it involves listening to stupid repetitive music while running around on the beach devouring power pills. Or possibly it involves directing a video, as in this parody from "The Soup:"

Heidi Montag "Cried Herself To Sleep" After Her Pop Video

And so did I.

Of course, she was crying because mean kids on the internet made fun of her, and I was crying because my eyeballs were scarred from having watched that abomination. I wanted to cry and vomit at the same time, just like Ryan Phillippe.

Lauren Conrad: Not At The SAG Awards

Conspicuously not at the SAG awards was Lauren Conrad, star of "The Hills," which has nothing to do with acting or guilds, but is still, somehow, a pestilence upon our screens. Lauren didn't sit idly by while her talented peers honored each other in LA, though: She went to Vegas this weekend to party at some sort of nightclub with a suntan lotion theme. Being vegas, I assume it's a fake-suntan-themed nightclub. And of course she was wearing one of those really unflattering poofy dresses styled to look like you're wearing only a towel.

After the jump: The whole picture, complete with her smirking, spoiled face. If you want it. I bet you don't, though.

Heidi And Spencer Never Change

This weekend, Spencer and Heidi hosted a party at Jet. I had to check my archives to be sure that they hadn't reposted an old photo, but sure enough, this is a new party.

Last time, it was at LAX, and Spencer had an annoying little beard, but the pose and facial expressions were exactly the same. It's as though they just wheel these wax figures around to different nightclubs and people get drunk with them.

Or rather, buy $200 table service trays and get drunk while pretending they're too cool to go over and talk to the wax figures.

I swear to god, these people do not really exist. Just look up "prat" in the dictionary: It means ass.

How To Be Polite: A Lesson By Diplomats For The Benefit Of Celebrities

On your left, you'll see Venezuelan president and old-fashioned caudillo Hugo Chavez, and French president Nicholas Sarkozy demonstrating the proper way to shake hands with someone you don't like very much.

Some politicians (I won't name names, but you know who I mean) won't shake Hugo's hand. It's not that Sarkozy thinks Chavez is a great guy or an example of good governance, but that he appreciates that Chavez is in charge of Venezuela, so he shakes hands. Grownups in general, but diplomats in particular, have to learn to be polite to each other, even when they disagree on basic things like whether Hugo Chavez
ought to shut the hell up, or whether Hugo Chavez is a crook, or whether Hugo Chavez is a stain on the face of humanity.

You know, a lot of people could stand to learn that lesson. I'm looking at you, celebrities. I'm looking at you, Heidi Montag and Lauren Conrad. And Jay-Z ought to put up with Ne-Yo stealing his limelight from time to time. I don't care if you don't like him, he's co-headlining your tour and you're going to have to work with him. And of course Heather Mills needs to put on the Hugo Chavez face over there, shake hands with Paul McCartney, and go home quietly with her millions of pounds of divorce money. You'd think that if people as volatile and egotistical as politicians could do it, the merely famous could learn to be polite too.

WTF Is Heidi Montag Wearing?

Let's see, I've got some black hotpants, a black-and-silver camisole, and some calf-height green suede boots with enormous heels. It's not quite a stripper look... it seems more like a little girl playing dress-up with her mother's stripper outfits.

What blows my mind is not just that she's gone out like this, but that this what she wore to host a party at a high-end nightclub in Vegas. I mean, I could see someone running down to the store to pick up some rolling papers and Ben & Jerry's dressed like this, but what maniac would do it deliberately, while sober, to a photographer-studded party?

On the plus side, it's got straps up top and full coverage in the crotch, so at least she's not going to be flashing any inadvertent nudity. Still, I think the look would be completed by putting on a dress.  It's as though she got as far as the underwear and decided to just go for it.