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Best Of The Worst: The Anna Nicole Movie

I now officially have a big fat e-crush on FourFour, who has taken the mind-bogglingly, cosmically, stupendously bad Anna Nicole Smith biopic (which has been shunted unceremoniously onto the internet with no release date in sight) and distilled it down to seven minutes and thirty seconds of sheer awesome. It's like the love child of "Gia" and an after-school special, tarted up in spray tanner and pink lipstick. Truly the perfect send-off for Miss Anna Nicole.

The Latest Horrible Anna Nicole Smith Video

Awhile back, we saw a video of Anna Nicole looking bombed out of her mind, wearing clown makeup. Howard K. Stern insisted that it was cut to look that way, and that she was just clowning around. Nope, she's eight months pregnant, and so high she thinks a toy doll is a real baby. Geraldo (who else?) got the full tape, and it's nasty.

It's not upsetting to see that Anna Nicole is screwed up, or that Howard K. Stern is obviously taping her decline for money. We already knew that. What creeps me out is that the nine-year-old daughter of a family friend is there. As Geraldo points out, she's the only person present with any sense. Anna's obviously having a bad trip, and the girl wants to call a doctor. Howard does nothing to help Anna and does nothing to assuage the child's fear either. Heartless all around.

Anna Nicole Lessons From Beyond The Grave

Anna Nicole Smith lies a moulderin' in the grave, but her truth lives on. If Britney Spears keeps blaming her damn cell phone for her inability to meet court orders, and Lindsay Lohan keeps drinking (as is rumored by Socialite's Life, they'll end up the subject of a posthumous remix featuring their most treasured bon mots, like this one, by Junior Vasquez:

 

As an instant club hit, it's terrible, badly done enough that I doubt it's actually Junior making it. That whole celebrity phone message thing? He sampled a phone call from Madonna to him some time in the 20th century, and it's so over by now I can't see him doing it again with Anna Nicole.

Crimelab: Jude Law, Anna Nicole, Vin Diesel

One: TMZ reports that cops are searching Anna Nicole's shrink's house. This is the man who prescribed her a lot of psychoactive drugs; it can be assumed that the cops are trying to find out if it counts as negligent over-prescribing and whether it was a factor in her death. I mean, obviously, prescription drugs were a factor in her death. The question is whether her death is his fault for letting her have the drugs. We can also assume that Howard K. Stern and baby-daddy Birkhead will benefit from any civil suit based on evidence recovered in this case. Rumor has it they're also planning on exhuming her body!

Two: Jude Law was accused of punching a photographer, but has been cleared of charges, says Daily Blabber. If I'm not mistaken, this was the same incident where I said that Jude Law ought to go into business punching people, because seriously, I'd pay if I could have a black eye and say Jude Law hit me. I guess I could just do a fake bruise with makeup, like Perez Hilton did, but it would be so much better if it were real. I mean, come on. Hit me, Jude Law! Hit me harder! Excuse me. I need a moment alone.

Three: Speaking of digging up corpses, Vin Diesel isn't going to be arrested for taking part in a sequel to the long-suffering "Terminator" movies, but maybe he should be. Is there a way to take an actor into protective custody before he does something so stupid it will haunt his career (such as it is) forever?  Then again, we are talking about the man behind "The Pacifier." Maybe all the damage has been done already. Still, why settle for... Terminator 4? Maybe if it's got Summer Glau, now working on "The Sarah Connor Chronicles," it could be OK. I'd see anything with her, just because of the incredible crush I had on her in "Firefly."

 

Digging Up The Corpse Of Anna Nicole

I feel obligated to link to IDLYITW, who are strong enough of stomach to actually post the newly-surfaced photos of Anna Nicole OD'ing and puking on herself. Apparently this was a non-fatal overdose, so that's not actually a corpse photo. Doesn't make me feel much better. I think I need a shower.

I wish we could stick with frivolous, happy news like noting that the guys from "Flight Of The Conchords" can now get into nightclubs half-price? Or maybe celebrate Hulk Hogan's accomplishment of hosting the new edition of "American Gladiators?"

There's actual, real, good news out there. Jimmy Carter standing up for refugees in Darfur, Sylvester Stallone speaking out about the atrocities in Myanmar, and hot fresh justice being served to OJ Simpson.

But oh god, I can't get that poor, vomit-covered face out of my head. Let's just hope Britney doesn't end up the same way.

Anna Nicole: Still Dead, Still Weird

I know you're all freaked out about "High School Musical" star Vanessa Hudgen's nude pic revelations, but there's something serious I have to tell you: Anna Nicole Smith is still dead, and people are still fighting about baby Dannielynn and everything else related to her tawdry saga.

For example, there's a lawsuit pending against her former lawyer Howard K. Stern, alleging that he tried to off an ex-boyfriend of hers. And of course there's the long-running dispute between super-lawyer Debra Opri and baby-daddy Larry Birkhead, which is getting increasingly nasty.

The big deal, though, is Rita Cosby's book "Blonde Ambition," which claims that Larry Birkhead and Howard K. Stern were lovers, that they had a secret deal to arrange the handling of money and custody of Dannielynn, that the late Daniel Smith was convinced Stern was an evil influence on his mother, and more. Naturally, there are suggestions that sex tapes come into it, possibly sex tapes starring Stern and Birkhead, possibly produced for Anna Nicole's entertainment. (Judging solely from Birkhead's hairstyle, I'd say it's not impossible. I mean, look at him. Besides, the facts of the matter are almost irrelevant. It's the sleazy allegations I like to hear).

Want more? Yahoo! Buzz has a roundup of everything people are searching for at this very moment.

Larry Birkhead Takes Dannielynn Home

After a much-publicized paternity battle with Howard K. Stern, Larry Birkhead has finally landed on American soil with his baby, Dannielynn.

The new father arrived in his hometown of Louisville, Kentucky this afternoon with the well-behaved child. This represents the first time the baby has left the Bahamas since the untimely death of her mother, Anna Nicole Smith.

Birkhead resides in Los Angeles, but has hinted at the possibility of raising Dannielynn in a more rural setting to avoid media scrutiny. On the other hand, Birkhead has been nothing less than a media whore during the whole paternity battle.

He recently sold his story to NBC for six figures.

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Larry Birkhead Lands Six-Figure Deal With NBC

It’s only been a few days since Larry Birkhead won the epic paternity battle over Anna Nicole Smith’s daughter, Danielynn, and he’s already reaping the rewards of fatherhood.

NBC has reportedly bought the rights to Birkhead’s story in a high six-figure deal. It seems that Howard K. Stern won’t be the only one cashing in on Smith’s tragic death.

Birkhead’s story will most likely focus on his long battle to get a paternity test for his love child with Anna Nicole, but don’t be surprised if the attention turns to Smith early and often. Her life and death have both been magnets for celebrity watchers everywhere.

Birkhead’s decision to sign the deal may have been influenced by the $620,000 in legal fees his former lawyer Debra Opri claims he owes her. The case is currently in arbitration. Don’t you just love it when lawyers have to hire their own lawyers?

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DNA Results Prove Birkhead Is The Father

In case you missed it...perhaps the whole Anna Nicole Smith saga could be coming to a close - at least where baby Dannielynn is concerned.

Yesterday, DNA results proved that Anna Nicole’s ex boyfriend, Larry Birkhead, was indeed the father of 7-month-old Dannielynn. Since Smith’s death, the world has been watching closely as a number of men came forward to announce that they could be the father of the child, including Anna Nicole’s partner, Howard K Stern.

Let us just hope that this is the end of it, but sadly, I feel that this may only be the beginning.

Anna Nicole Smith's Shady Doctor Under Investigation

Someone’s finally being held accountable for the nine prescription drugs found in Anna Nicole Smith’s system at the time of her death. The California State Medical Board is investigating Dr. Khristine Eroshevich, the Los Angeles psychiatrist who authorized all 11 of the prescriptions found in Anna Nicole’s Florida hotel room after she died.

What makes this case even worse is the fact that none of the 11 prescriptions found in the hotel room was in Smith’s name. Eight of them were prescribed to Anna’s lawyer-boyfriend Howard K. Stern, two were prescribed to an unknown party, and one was prescribed to Eroshevich herself. These drugs included the sedative choral hydrate and the sleep aid Ambien.

There has been an understandable public outcry over just how Smith could have been allowed to get access to such a lethal mixture of drugs, and it appears that someone may finally have to take responsibility for it.

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