Glitterati Gossip

Memo to Lauren and Heidi; You're Not Fierce

There is very little more wonderful than this backhanded semi-apology from Christian Siriano, the tiny bitchy pixie of "Project Runway" fame. Apparently Ferocia Coutura herself was a little bit... dismissive of Heidi and Lauren's clothing collections, and he took a moment with MTV to explain himself and almost, sort-of apologize. Never have the words "jersey tube dress" been uttered with such disdain.

If I had millions of dollars, I'd hire Christian. Partially to make my clothes, but mostly to hang out with me and make fun of everything he saw. Admit it, you'd do it too. Won't someone give him his own show or something?

Best Of The Worst: The Anna Nicole Movie

I now officially have a big fat e-crush on FourFour, who has taken the mind-bogglingly, cosmically, stupendously bad Anna Nicole Smith biopic (which has been shunted unceremoniously onto the internet with no release date in sight) and distilled it down to seven minutes and thirty seconds of sheer awesome. It's like the love child of "Gia" and an after-school special, tarted up in spray tanner and pink lipstick. Truly the perfect send-off for Miss Anna Nicole.

Burma + Kardashians + Tragedy = Wacky Hijinks

The celebrities have been out in force making PSAs for the situation in Burma, which is the new cause du jour. I say, good on them. If you're going to have people paying excessive amounts of attention to you for no good reason, you might as well say something relevant once and a while. Of course, with something like this, you know someone is going to have to get in there and spray the whole thing down with some stupid and that's where we can count on the Kardashians.

I'm not sure what my favorite part of this is; the way Kim keeps checking out her ass, her inability to deliver any of her lines convincingly except "what's a thesis," or the cute, peppy music. The fans on her site are all up in arms about Kim's "comic" PSA, calling it tacky and inappropriate. When 13-year olds are calling you inappropriate, it's probably time to get out of the PSA business.

Colors Not Found In Nature

I have to agree with The Rad Report, Paris is looking eerily orange and shiny in this publicity shot for her creepy clip-in hair. With her eyes closed like that, she also looks a little bit like a creepy death mask of herself.  You be the judge, which looks more lifelike?

Actual Paris:

Plaster of Paris:

Admit it, if it weren't for the color (beige vs. orange) you'd have a hard time telling which was which.

Give Your Child A Jumpstart In The Hoochie Race

Why, Beyonce, Why? We understand that you're ho-tackular, and that's fine with us - believe me, it's more than fine - we like you as tacky and slutty as all get out, we do. We've accepted that it's gotten to the point where we can no longer believe what 12-year olds are wearing in the race to emulate you and people like you, but can you keep your hands off the pre-schoolers at least?

Please, take a gander at this ad for House of Dereon:

And you thought pageant babies were creepy, right? What is up with this? Who thinks it's a good idea to dress their child this way? When I was six my fanciest shoes were a pair of patent leather mary janes, not bright red pumps with a three-inch heel.

I'm sure any of my readers who happen to be parents are the kind of tasteful, sane human beings who would never dress their kid like this, but if you happen to know anyone who might be this kind of superultramegatacky, please allow me to intervene on your behalf. I will personally bitchslap anyone who dresses their kid like this, and then I will buy that kid some OshKosh.

Via PopGumbo.

SANLU: Say "I Do" In An Igloo

Welcome to the first edition of "SANLU" or "Stars Are Not Like Us," those little items dedicated to reminding us that while most stars were regular people once (you know, except Paris Hilton), now they mostly live on another planet.

Starring in the first edition of Stars Are Not Like Us, Seal and Heidi Klum! In a recent interview with Marie Claire, Heidi Klum described her baby daddy's 2004 marriage proposal:

“[Seal] took me by helicopter,” the Project Runway host, 34, tells Marie Claire’s June issue about their December 2004 vacation to the Canadian Rockies. “He had an igloo built there, and they’d brought up everything: a bed with sheets inside the igloo, rose petals everywhere, candles. Very, very romantic!”

Let me repeat that in case you missed it. An Igloo. Igloo. Built for the purpose. He had an igloo built so that he could propose. Just goes to show that all those guys who took their girlfriend to the spot where they met, or the top of the Eiffel Tower, or whatever are just chumps. You're not a real romantic until you have a structure hewn from ice designed just for the occasion.

Also, please insert any "clubbing baby seals" jokes here.

Via Celebitchy.

British People: Still Classy; Weird

Alright, with all this news on celebrities behaving badly, let's take a moment to enjoy how smashing Anna Popplewell (Susan Pevensie in the Narnia films) looks at the "Prince Caspian" premiere. Seriously, isn't she adorable folks? Plus, reporting this let's me say Popplewell a lot, which is a fun name to say.

 

Tilda Swinton, on the other hand, still looks basically like the world's most elegant alien invader. Seriously folks, she is not from earth, can you get behind me on this? We can only hope that she's one of those benevolent aliens who is here to cure cancer and observe our ways, and not one of those aliens who plans to harvest our organs while we sleep.

Is Lipstick An Economic Indicator? Do We Care?

Good news, makeup fiends! Someone out there is taking makeup way more seriously than you do. The fine people at the New York Times are here to tell you that you can see how the economy is doing based on how much lipstick you're buying. But we don't buy less lipstick in a recession, we buy more... just like porn. Sure, you may be broke, gas may cost 30 bucks a gallon, but at least your lips look fabulous.

DuWop cosmetics has come out with Prime Venom, a new lip plumper designed to perk up your pout while making you forget about your 401k. You know, I don't care what the economy is doing, I am not putting something with the word "venom" in the name on my mouth. Maybe I'm just not girly enough. Whatevs, I'm just trying to figure out if I can claim I'm doing my patriotic duty by making a trip to Sephora.

I Dream Of Suri With The Light Brown Hair

I'm going to be generous here. Even though I think Tom Cruise is an evil little munchkin of Scientology and Katie Holmes is his carefully brainwashed slave, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that I don't think they're weird enough to lighten little Suri's hair.

It's just that she's in different lighting, or it's one of those weird things that happens with kids as they grow up, right? Come on, no one is that insane, right? Right?

Via Yeeeah.

Matt Damon Is Not A 70s Porn Star

No matter how much this mustache makes him look like one. Yikes.

You know, women get a million miles of press when they ugly it up for a film, I think we have to give Matt some credit here. It takes a strong man to wear a haircut/glasses/mustache combination this aggressively ugly. And with the plaid shirt and cardigan, too! They've taken a pretty boy and turned him into the dad from "Malcolm in the Middle."

This is not a good look for our little Matty. Let's see if Sarah Silverman is willing to F%$# him now.

Via ONTD.

Amy Winehouse Arrested; Released, Rinse, Repeat

After being thrown in the clink for a harrowing eight hours, Amy Winehouse has been released from jail.

"She has been bailed to return on a date in May," a Scotland Yard spokesman tells PEOPLE. He declined to specify exactly when that date would be "pending further police enquiries."

Winehouse had gone to see law officers voluntarily at around 1 p.m.

The troubled singer, 24, sat down with detectives after police obtained a video which allegedly showed her taking narcotics.

Can you imagine the conversation? I mean, seriously, what sort of clever police work did they have to do in order to figure out that Amy was high?

Cop: Alright, Miss. Do you understand why you're here?

Amy: Is this the line for the DMV? I have to pay a parkin' tickaaaaaa.

Cop: No, miss. We want to talk to you about your drug use.

Amy: Hold on, I'm getting a call from my mayonnaise.

Cop: Miss? Miss? Guys, we're not getting anywhere with this.

Amy: Doo be doo be doo! Mayo! What's the haps?

You Missed Your Chance To Buy Pam Anderson's Undies

If there is a motto for Pamela Anderson's career, it has to be "why be classy, when being tacky will get you so much more press?" Somehow, she approaches trashiness with a certain panache that your younger, stupider stars have never really managed. Take note, BritBrit, you may be willing to shave your head to get a little ink, but I bet you never had the big brass balls necessary to sell your used undies at a garage sale.

The former "Baywatch" boobies and the woman they're attached to had a garage sale this weekend; among the treasures available to fans were a golf cart, several chocolate fondue fountains, a hot pink butt-blaster exercise machine and yes, some indelicate delicates. It's hard to imagine the kind of person who would buy Pamela Anderson's used panties, but I think it's safe to say they're probably housed in a shrine or adorning the ass of a RealDoll as we speak.

If you missed the fun, don't worry, the camera crew for her reality TV show was on hand, so I'm guessing you'll be able to catch Pam, the fans and the illustrious undies on TV eventually.

Via Hollywood Rag.

Sorry Victoria; Chris Noth Is Just Not That Into You

Fans of "Sex And The City" and Victoria's Secret may be forced to make a horrible choice. Their frilly ass, or their dreams of bagging the elusive Mr. Big? It turns out that Chris just isn't a big fan of Vicky's, and he's not afraid to say so.

"I'm not into Victoria's Secret so much. I find it over the top. I like subtlety and I like elegance.
"I think their things are gaudy and they are really trying too hard. If I could make a fashion statement, I think that Victoria's Secret looks to me like somebody who is putting on too much make-up. It's too gaudy, man.
"I mean, come on take it easy, you don't have to have a f**kin' bouquet of flowers on your underwear. Sorry Victoria's Secret; I hope they're not one of our sponsors!"

I'll be honest with you kids, I can't disagree with his Bigness. When it comes to lingerie less is more and Victoria's Secret has never shown any indication that restraint is one of their watchwords. Still, is this really the right move to make while on the PR Bataan Death March for what they keep telling us is The! Movie! Event! Of! The! Century!? First SJP comes down against rich people and now this? What's next, is the neurotic redheaded one going to go on Leno and tell us all that Cosmopolitans are a crappy drink and Ferragamos pinch her toes? Is nothing sacred?

Via The City.

Adam Brody: Post-Punk Cutie

I don't care what PopSugar or anyone else says, I think Adam Brody looks freakin' adorable in this outfit. He looks like he's about to grab a microphone and rock out, and baby, we would fling our panties at him any time.

SJP Is Just Like Us, Only With Way More Money

You can all stop wondering, folks. Sarah Jessica Parker has figured out what's wrong with New York. Yes, it's all the damned rich people, gentrifying up the place. In an interview with the National Enquirer, the "Sex and the City" star waxed moronic about how she really dislikes New York because there are too many rich people now and it isn't real any more. I'm not sure what's more troubling about this, the idea that SJP, who has made her living off of highlighting the glamour of New York is now bemoaning it, or the idea that she thinks the rich people just showed up to New York in the last couple of years.

Sweetie, New York has been full of rich people since those same rich people bought it from the locals for a handful of beads. It's sweet to romanticize the New York of the 70s (you may be the only person doing it, but that's okay, you've always been a ground-breaker), but New York was full of the richest and the poorest then, and it still is. You're only noticing the rich people more because you are the rich people. If you're so dissatisfied with it, move to Jersey.

Via Crazy Days and Nights.